New Neighborhoods

Up McAndrews
There used to be nothing

Now there is a wide sidewalk
grand entrances planned for
expensive houses
plans that floated
away like the milkweed seed
once the money
everywhere
dried up like a puddle after rain

They must have paid a pretty
penny to a landscape architect
the wide sidewalk
is bordered for three miles
with grasses that wave in the
breeze
pine trees scattered behind
aspen
and stone

lavendar bundles its way along
beneath the church
a going business
in these hard times

I like the field of queen anne's lace
birds and bees
and cat tails
mind their own business
despite the walkers
and traffic

It is always surprising
to see out over the valley
(i live in the flatlands)
its green bundling hills
vineyards
pastures
old farms
new castles
causing me to pretend
I am in Italy
I am in Newport and that in the distance is
the ocean
as I come down the hill
but no
I am home

Coming Home

My mother sits in her chair by the window
she has her knitting
her pills
her board games
her remote control
displayed around her

Cockpit
Mission control

I see the neighbor while I am sweeping
out the garage
he rolls up
It is understood
He watches for her
curtains to come just so
every morning

He checks for her in the window
in her chair

Five days go by without
speaking

I check myself for the same signs
At least I can go out
I make sure that I do
almost to prove it
I talk to the man at Lillie Belle Farms
I talk to the woman at the Creamery
I make myself go up to the pool

I take a book

But I am met by friends

My mother sits at her window

Wal Mart

I need cat food
dog food
some magnets

I think I see the Reyes' truck
idling out by the salvation army
bucket

but i don't

I walk in and their Is Tony
standing in the Return line

Go Figure

I don't tell  him
I just saw an image of his wife
in their truck out front

It's just a wink-wink
from a power greater than myself

I pass the cheap clothes
the big bin with drugs
and pregnancy tests for 88cents

I decide even though I cannot afford to
I will look through the garden department

While passing the solar lights I run into
Dr. Doug's assistant
She is in an incredible hulk tank top and
mini shorts
her eyes Kohl'd all the way around

I don't know what to say at first
Obviously I am not wearing the new
glasses she helped me pick out

I can't afford them

We talk about walking up McAndrews
Something I will do again tonight
So beautiful
With its valley views
queen anne's lace
birds

Then I take a turn past all the geraniums
grasses
and petunias
only looking
thank you

And I run into Mrs. Spano and her pregnant daughter
near the bubble stuff
Mrs. Spano works at the school
She drives a mercedes
She is kind

They are looking for  things for kids
to play with at her daughter's baby shower

Her daughter is having a boy

Be ready!

Enjoy the down time now.
You won't see it again for thirteen years.

Joy and No Money

I met with Taylor
In the sparkly pink indian wrap
her glasses with the bling

I sat on her fold out couch
This time I was smiling and happy
I did not know what to expect

Last time I was a mess

It took me an hour and a half
to find an appointment that was less than five minutes
down the street

My husband gave me the wrong directions
I circled the office park out by the airport
for 45 minutes
until I was howling, spitting obscenities,
tears coming I didn't care who saw

I had dressed in a knee length
black and white spotted skirt
a black ruched t-shirt
and I carried my train case of
bottle cap jewelry

To show that I HAD been doing something with my time

Already out by the airport
I decided I might as well drive
to the plant
and have my husband figure out my dilemma

I cried
loudly
banging the steering wheel
all they way there

He opened the door
and said I'll take you

I didn't accuse him
I could have looked it up myself
Except I'd torn out the map in the phone book
to give to a visitor
a long time ago

Eventually we figured out where I was supposed to meet
Taylor
I figure if I write down her name three times
Maybe I'll remember it

I couldn't remember who I was seeing that day
Despite knowing very clearly who I was to meet
with when I'd left the house
with my blue train case with the white piping

Because I couldn't remember her name I went
to the Job Council
(Another name for "unemployment")
Who looked at me as if I had the plague
"You wanted to see whom?" They asked.

I looked at my husband through my snot and tears
and shrugged my shoulders.

This was a much better meeting with Taylor

Even though I'd had it on my brain board for weeks
Even though I'd told myself five times,
"Today,
3:00.
Today."
At 2:50 I had fished five boys out of the Country Club swimming pool
Two had to go over the Siskiyous to a sleepover at grandma's
Two had to be deliverd back to the house from whence they'd come,
and one . . . well he was only five, I figured he could hang
with the first two while they got ready to go to grandma's
and then I could deliver them all to the five year olds where they would
meet up with his nine year-old brother, because he was going over the Siskiyous
with the first two.
He had been at a physical

So, it is easy to see why I didn't remember,
despite telling myself every day for two weeks,
and five times that day,
my 3:00 appointment
until 2:50

I was bringing to car to a halt at a stopsign
Near the house with the Ogre sized stones out front.
Bing
My inner clock went off
At least it still goes off
3:00
it said

OMIGOD

You two be ready to get dropped
You other two be ready to load your overnight bag
You little one, hang tight and I'll figure it out . . .
Rmmmm, vrmmmm.

I called little one's mom upon rushed entry
The older two I set to packing up their computer games
and pokemon cards
I told the mom my dilemma,
dah, dah, dah,

She came to my rescue.
I pulled out and still made my appointment
with a few minutes to spare.

Granted I had on a straw hat with beach shells
and a mermaid on its crown, sunglasses, and a cover up.

Good thing I wasn't dressed in my bathing suit.

Still I would've gone to meet Taylor
in her pink and silver spangled shawl
Especially after the first time
the tear stained
red-faced
non-verbal time

She thought I was happy
that life actually was perfect
just the way it was

I agreed
Taking care of kids, garden, animals,
and making bottle cap jewelry on the side
in the hours in between
Taking my kids to camps, lessons, friends, the pool
Foraging at the Grocery Outlet
The two-a-day laundry shuffle
plus three meals a day plus snacks,
I'm good.

It did feel nice to hear
that I am a joyous and open person
even if I can't operate a cash register

The Fourth of Flowers

Yarrow explodes high over
pale pink guara which sends out its spears ever so
delicately over the day lillies

Lavendar, a whole hedge out front,
bursts with blooms.
Shasta Daisies sparkle,
massing and tumbling to the sidewalk,
in a once forgotten corner of the yard.

Mondo grass with beautiful
arching
golden fountains
spray low beneath towering
old organge lilles
bursting from their upright stems.

My garden is shooting fireworks
an all day show
for me
for the postman
for the dealers across the street
for Earl's empty house
for Shelly and her deaf malamute
walking by.

Now the buddleia are blooming
purple showers cascade along the back fence
The hydrangea
are just coming out
like the fireworks
kids and families in
old beaters set off in the quiet,
dark parking lots that line
Table Rock Road.

The occasional sailing through
air of sound
dims and fades.

The sporadic flaring of a cone
of sparks
dancing in the warm air
legs in shadows moving just out of the circle
Our car a boat in the night.

I spell my name in sparklers
a shower of silver
I think back to my favorite 4ths
the big fireworks booming over
Long Island Sound
Safe inside the circle of my mother's
arms,

The little fireworks we set off at
Via Orvieto Beach,
Families come after
the potluck on the strada
to watch the big fireworks
at the Bay Club
across the water,

My own boys running
through the backyard with
children in the neighborhood
sparklers in hand
parents on the back porch
drinking
laughing
watching

There are famous stories
(which I pass down):
The one of my grandfather,
Pop,
The New Jersey dentist
who took crates of tomatoes
and eggs for payment
during the 30s,
trying to stop a little boy from blowing his hand off
with an M80.

Pop
had a scar and a story running from his thumb to his wrist ever after.

My brother Pete
threw a cherry bomb out into what he thought was the bay.
The beach was dark,
the boat slips were close.
Maybe my brother had already been sneeking
his Boone's Farm Wine.
The little bomb landed on a boat.
Then it blew a hole in the heaving canvas boat cover.
Then it caught fire.

If you woke up early the next morning,
while the sand was still cool,
and the bay was smooth as
jello,
you could join Mr. Colesworthy
at Orvieto
all six feet of him
his big wooden handled rake
moving methodically through the sand.

He was not one of the fathers who joined us
a few times during the summer
for a big splash off the dock,
but here he was
pulling sparkler wires and live cherry bombs
from the sand.

Saving us all

From so much

I will keep a box or two of sparklers
for a time in summer
when every bloom has faded
and there is nothing but heat
and the cool dark evening
to console us.

Break

I suppose I haven't written for so long because the last few months have been difficult. I did not qualify for disability and my husband is starting a new business. We have had no income for 16 months. I try to think up a new life for myself every day. All the while thinking this is good enough. I am lucky to be alive. I have movement restored to my right side, with a few minor glitches. I do need to reach out and start over again.

I am taking my youngest to a garden store with a lovely Koi pond. It is blustery and his two friends have never been. After that we will go the outdoor space at the library and play on the pretend boat. Yesterday we bicycled all over town, stopping at the Fred Meyer mid-way for mozarella sticks for the boys. I am trying to embrace my poverty, not let my boys feel like they are losing out by not skiing in Le Biarritz this spring break.

Spring Break

The wind blows the cypresses

The pines

And the giant locust tree.

The Magnolia Stellata

Shoots its stars in the

Quivering breeze.

I have weeds pulled up in

One bed, the lumpen piles line the

Stones of the patio.

Chickweed in the buffalo grass,

Dandelion tufted beneath the olive,

Something that looks like morning glory

Holds sway over the bamboo.

There will be time to make everything perfect.

Day lilies green spears have flopped

Into riotous tufts beneath the teenaged spokes

Of the Something Chinensis, bare and knobby.

The weeds call and call.

The garden will wait.

I have two boys who won’t.

It’s time to sow and sow.

A New Way of Seeing

I have a great fridge magnet. It pictures a skeleton holding his bony hands up asking, "What am I going to do with my life?"





Now I know the answer. I'm going to live each day like it's my last. Love everyone, every moment, as if it is the one precious day that I get on earth.





I had a stroke last year on December 15th. It was life altering. I spoke nothing but French for three days. Who knew I was fluent?





Three times a week I went to therapy. I began taking my camera with me for my walk home. I couldn't express how beautiful I found absolutely everything. But I did. I still do, and for this I am grateful.





Happy New Year!